


rather lovely thing

by kokuhaku



Series: loveless [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-04-01 09:05:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13994985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kokuhaku/pseuds/kokuhaku
Summary: A continuation of the events in loveless





	1. present

I. _present_

It’s been one week since her suicide attempt. Seven days confined in a white room where doctors regularly check in on her. No more medical droids allowed, only the presence of living, breathing people who can determine if she really needs that extra pain reliever. That extra edge. They tell her no. Her bandaged wrists no longer bleed through, but the taped cloth remains as both prevention and a reminder. A constant reminder of how she got here, of who pushed her to this.

Kylo.

Those first minutes after revival are still unfathomable to her. Hearing him plead, plead to her, beg for her forgiveness, she didn’t know how to react. The leader became the underling, the tables turned. It didn’t feel right. _Please believe me._ She had no words for him then, and has none now. She hasn’t seen him since the incident, unaware that he watches her through a monitor in the control room. He refuses to peek into her thoughts, her broken mindset. It feels like a violation now, it always has been, but the guilt has paralyzed him.

Snoke shows no sympathy. She was always supposed to be a toy for Kylo, something disposable. “You should’ve let her die.” He had said, and for the first time Kylo shot up, fists clenched and unable to hide his anger towards his mentor.

“Do you have something to say?” Snoke pressed, pushing his buttons even further.

“No.” He forced himself to utter that one word, not believing his answer and knowing that Snoke didn’t either.

Snoke has known for a while the effect she’s had on him. That she continues to have on him. She’s become the very thing Snoke wanted to avoid—a distraction. But even worse, he realized, she’s his weakness.


	2. reunion

II. _reunion_

At the beginning of the second week, Kylo gives in. He has to see her. Pretending to be this cold and emotionless husband is useless when she’s already seen him at his weakest. After hours when the doctors are gone, he stands in front of the door to her room. The moment reminds him of the dread he felt entering their bathroom and finding her limp, lifeless. He has to remind himself that she’s here, she’s still here and she’s alive. And yet, he holds his breath. 

Seeing her, body crouched and sitting with her legs in a chair, he breathes a sigh of relief. She doesn’t turn to face at him, presumably expecting that he’s a doctor in her lost concept of time. He wonders what she’s thinking, eyes intent on the window, when he realizes that she’s still longing for what she lost almost a year ago.

“Layla.” He finally speaks, his voice cracking. Her expression changes from thoughtful absence to holding back surprise. Or is it surprise? Maybe it’s disgust. She doesn’t respond. He walks over, settling into the chair in front of her. They can only stare at each other. One glance at her bandaged wrists and he breaks all contact. “I’m sorry.” He says again, as if continuing their conversation from before. He wants to reach out, wants to touch her, but he stops himself.

“You said sorry already,” her tone is dry. He can’t tell if she’s annoyed, but there’s a fragility to it. Almost like it hurts to speak. “I remember, when I…” She trails off. This time, she’s the one looking at her wrists.

“I’m a horrible husband.” His bluntness is off-putting, unexpected. “I know you don’t love me. I won’t make you love me. But I’m selfish. I need you.” She wished he didn’t say that. She wished he was unapologetically awful. The kindness in his voice, the hurt. She knows it’s genuine. It’s pulling her back to the hope she would hold onto, the impossible possibility that he would change. He can’t, but why does she still want to believe him?

“You hurt me so many times. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if you’re playing a game…” Her eyes are misty with tears, and he’s plagued with more guilt. He gets on his knees, crawling to her, burying his face in her lap. It doesn’t take long for her to feel a patch of wetness on her thigh, and she hears the muffled sounds of his crying.


	3. high

III.  _high_

She ran her fingers through his hair as he cried, and even after when silence filled the room. Watching him so vulnerable, the realization started to hit. This power she has over him. She doesn’t know how long it’ll last, but it’s here now. He used to sleep with an open mind, knowing that she would contemplate killing him in his slumber, but now it seems he doesn’t care. Or he’s trying to show her his change. 

When she finally dozed off, the rise of early morning was just starting. Employees of the base would be up, the doctors already beginning their shifts. When one of them enters to do their regular check in, he stands frozen at the sight of Kylo and backs out of the room to give privacy to the leader and his wife. 

Scrambling thoughts eventually awakes Kylo, the frantic chatter of everyone wondering where he is. He looks up to her and sighs, wanting nothing more than to spend the rest of the day with her. Before he leaves, he picks her up to carry her to bed and she wraps her arms around him when he starts to lower her.

“Don’t go,” she says, drowsiness strong in her voice. He almost considers it. 

“I’ll arrange to have you discharged this afternoon.” He sets her down and her eyes open, staring at him. He’s disheveled. She feels bad for him, knowing he has to quickly make the change from husband to leader. She starts to lift herself up and he stops her, crouching down to her level. Her lips touch his, brief but full of need, the same need he has for her.

“Thank you,” she breaks away. “You should get going now.” 

He leaves the room in a daze, his lips still tingling from hers. Is this what it feels like to love? A juvenile innocence where it seems nothing can go wrong? Her effect on him is getting stronger, and for once he doesn’t worry and lets the high carry him for the rest of the day.


	4. promises

IV. _promises_

She was discharged from the hospital in the early afternoon, as he promised. There was a comfort in the fact that he kept his word, although she still had to be escorted. She could feel the eyes of people glancing at her back as she passed by. What she would give to know what they were thinking. She’s been cut off from society for days, but that didn’t stop rumors and gossip from spreading around the base. The moment reminded her of Kylo. She wondered how he handled this past week, was he able to control his anger towards their curious thoughts? Did he hurt anyone? Did he kill again? 

When the escort turns a different hall than the usual route to their bedroom, she stops. “Kylo’s—our—the room isn’t this way.”

“The leader gave me directions to another room, ma’am.” 

Another room? The escort continues to walk ahead. She follows, confusion still on her face. She hasn’t been down this hallway before. They stop in front of a door at the very end. A silent thank you from her, then she’s alone. The door opens on her command and she’s greeted to a new bedroom. Unlike the one she shared with Kylo, this one is full of light, large windows lining the walls. She walks to the windows, a sad smile forming on her lips.

Hologram projected imagery of mountains encased in a forest stare back at her. Her hometown, or at least the idea of it. Present but not, still planets and galaxies away. Her hand touches the unnaturally cool glass, another silent acceptance that this very well may be the closest she’ll ever get to returning home.

“Do you like it?” His voice feels so intimate that she initially thinks he’s entered her thoughts again. The echo gives it away. She turns. “You didn’t have to do this. I appreciate it.” He starts to speak again, then stops himself. He’s hesitating. “What is it, Kylo?” In a few strides, he’s facing her. Although physically taller, physically bigger, the tables are turned mentally. She’s unsure if she’ll ever be accustomed to this.

“I want us to start over. Can we?” The question leaves her at a loss for words. He’s asking her, putting the choice in her hands. She could say no. A week ago, she would’ve said no. But like him, she hesitates.

“What would change?”

“Whatever you want." 

“Will you take me home?”

He doesn’t have to think of the answer. “Yes.”


	5. passion

V.  _passion_

Another promise from him. She doesn’t ask when or how it’ll happen, she simply accepts his embrace when his arms snake around her waist, bringing her closer to him. “I won’t hurt you again,” he whispers in her ear.

“You don’t have to promise me that.” Her words come out in a breathy mess. She doesn’t want to push her expectations with him; even the strongest person can’t change overnight. But he shakes his head in response, his hair brushing against her neck.

In seconds, he has her lifted off the ground and she instinctively wraps her legs around him to balance herself. His lips find her neck again, soft pecks touching her skin, her mind racing at the thought of being alone with this Kylo once more, _this_ Kylo that she rarely sees but welcomes without hesitation.

A little moan escapes her when he says her name, snapping her out of her usual racing anxiety, grounding her in her current reality. Their current reality. _I want you_. She may have said it, she was definitely thinking it but he heard it somehow, and it was the invitation he needed, the confirmation of urgency that they have for each other.

Her back hits the bed and he hovers above her, kisses becoming more frantic as they try to maintain some control before letting go completely. It’s useless. She tugs at his robes and he helps her, her eyes a silent plea. It’s been a while since she’s seen him shirtless, seen his bare skin. There are new scars, new bruises. Although he’s a man of incredible strength, he’s still subject to pain. Her hand grazes his chest, fingers stretching across the reddened skin.

He gently grabs her wrist, still mindful of the bandage that encases her own scar. He knows she’s concerned but his expression tells her _not now._ Not now. His lips touch her wrist, her arm, trailing down her side until he’s kissing her stomach. Her legs tremble and when he looks up to see her, she’s covering her mouth. “I want to hear you,” He’s above her again, pinning her wrists over her head. “And no one will hear us.” He smiles at her, a boyish grin that reminds her of high school crushes and innocent love.

She’s cried before when they’ve had sex, most of it due to anger towards herself for wanting him even after he hurts her. Despite being cruel, she still craves the physical warmth that he brings with intimacy. But this time, the tears come for a different reason. That feeling of absolute bliss, not a care in the world, no burdens holding her down or reminding her of why she can’t just enjoy this. Enjoy this moment with her husband. He kisses her tears and says something like _don’t worry_ and for the first time, she completely believes him.


	6. karma

VI.  _karma_  

She wakes to tangled limbs and messy sheets, her head resting against his chest. He lazily runs his fingers through her hair, a gesture usually done by her but appreciated all the same. The bruise from before is in her view again, she touches it ever so softly, as if her fingers are dancing on ice. “You have to be careful,” she tells him.  “You’re not a god.”

“I have to be a god to protect you.”

She looks up to him, his eyes already watching her. “You’re getting hurt.”

Kylo takes her hand, fingers locking with hers. “Maybe it’s punishment,” he pauses. “For how I’ve treated you.” So often she’s wanted him hurt, wanted him dead. Maybe then she could’ve achieved freedom as the widow of Kylo Ren. Her increasing silence is damning. She wants to take it back. “I don’t want you to feel regret, Layla. I deserve it.”

They lay without saying anything else, his words still in the air and filling the empty space of the room. She drifts off, his soft breathing like a melody to her. Husband and wife, side by side. This is what she’s always dreamed of, peaceful moments like this, what a marriage should be. But just like a dream it abruptly ends when a shrill beeping wakes her. She shoots up in confusion, head still hazy in thoughts; Kylo is sitting at the edge of the bed.

“Go back to sleep. It’s for me.”

She looks to the window, the hologram projected mountains reflecting a night sky. She crawls to him, a hand touching his back. “It’s late, Kylo. Don’t…” His lips meet hers, coaxing her to silence. Then he’s on his feet, picking up scattered clothing. She studies him as he physically and mentally changes to leader. This familiar and heart-aching process; he’ll never fully be hers. He’s forever stuck switching between husband and leader, protector and aggressor. As he heads to the door, she says his name, a half whisper she almost doesn’t expect him to respond to. But he stops.

“Come back, okay?”

“I will.”

Then she’s alone.


	7. disobedience

VII. _disobedience_

Snoke’s call. It doesn’t matter when it is, doesn’t matter where Kylo is, when his mentor beckons for him, he has to comply. He used to be adamant to the call, ready for whatever words Snoke had to say to him, the constant linger of wanting to impress his teacher in the back of his mind. It became an uphill battle for his praise, always at a mental war with himself to show that he can be a leader. Every calling put him on the edge of urgency. Now he’s growing tired of it.

Blood red fills Kylo’s vision when he exits the elevator to Snoke’s throne room. Guards planted at every side, still as statues but eyes at the ready, watching for even the smallest movements of possible threat to their Supreme Leader, perched in an ominous seat. Kylo kneels before him. 

“I sense a disturbance within you,” Snoke tells him, his voice piercing through the bitter air. “You’re distracted.” 

“I have no distractions.”

“Don’t lie to me, boy. Your father’s light has never left you.” 

“I killed him.”

“And yet, his presence still runs through your veins. Haunting you like a ghost—” 

“That’s—” Snoke flicks his wrist. Kylo slams against the wall. 

“You speak when you are questioned!” Kylo reaches for his lightsaber. Guards surround him in seconds, weapons pointed.  “You talk back to me. You challenge me. You’ve forgotten your place! You wouldn’t have his power without me and now you’re risking it all for a whore—”

“She is _no_ whore!” Red heat erupts from his lightsaber, slicing the closest guard to him. A hit on the back of his head sends him stumbling but he resists, slashing at any limb he can reach. He’s outnumbered but anger drives him, a fury that sends him into a blind rampage, striking down anyone and anything until the only one left standing is him. Snoke hasn’t moved, his glare never leaving Kylo.

“Permission to leave, Supreme Leader.”

“Get out of my sight.”


	8. broken

VIII.  _broken_

She told him to come back to her, so that’s what he does, mind intent on her; the frightened and curious glances of passersby oblivious to his current state. The adrenaline from the fight still pumping through him, he doesn’t realize how much damage he took until he enters her room and she gasps. 

“What happened to you?!”

He starts to say something, but her voice soothes him, cools him down from the rage that he just experienced. And that’s when it hits. His bloodied and swollen face, the pain creeping up his body, his hand still gripping his lightsaber. He stumbles. She tries to catch him, his large frame overpowering her.

“You have to go to the doctor—”

“Just bring me a droid.”

Three droids surround him moments later; one stitching his face while the other two scan and bandage him. His body is worse than before, newly formed bruises exposing themselves along his arms and chest. She sits next to him, a wet towel in her hand. She presses the already red-stained cloth to his face and he winces. An apology escapes her lips. Her eyes watch as he impatiently taps his fingers against his leg, waiting, anticipating to leave.

“Kylo,” she begins. “You have to rest.”

“I can’t. There’s work to—”

“What work? This is—you can’t work like this. I won’t let you!”

A raised voice to him always led to disaster. A slap. A punch. A broken arm. But this time he sits in silence, accepting the scolding from his wife. “Look at yourself,” her voice gets smaller, back to her usual tone. “I’m going to lose you and I just got you back.”

Despite herself, she feels the tears building up, a plea to him to listen to her, to understand the danger he’s putting himself in. He holds her face, wiping her tears with his thumbs. “Don’t cry, Layla. I’ll fix this.”

“How—”

He cuts her off with a kiss, salty tears mixing in with the steely tinge of blood from his cut lip and she has a sinking dread that the next time she sees him he’ll be dead.


	9. supreme

IX. _supreme_

I’ll fix this, he told her. But the truth was that he didn’t know how. He insulted his mentor in the most disrespectful way, letting raw emotion control him. Frustration, rage, hate, love…for Layla. For his wife. He may be commander but he’s also her protector, a job he didn’t know he had until recently. Snoke tells him to view her like a toy, something that can be played with, something that he can take his anger out on, something replaceable. But she’s none of those things.

She’s stronger than he’ll ever be, able to tame the monster within him with just the sound of her voice. If only the monster could disappear forever, maybe then he wouldn’t have to switch roles so quickly as if he’s leading a double life. As much as he’s grown to reject it, he still has to find a way to balance both. He needs Snoke on his side. Time isn’t Kylo’s friend; the longer he waits, the more offended Snoke’ll get but revisiting so soon after their last confrontation is just as risky. He decides on the latter, opting to get it over with. Perhaps Snoke will notice the urgency.

His throne room is empty, new guards yet to take station, the Supreme Leader’s eyes temporarily playing the role of security. Those watchful eyes turn to irritation the moment they catch sight of Kylo. “You dare to show your face again.” Each word ends with a growl, a shout.

“I’m here to apologize, Supreme Leader.”

“Apologize?” He laughs, a dark and dry tone. “Do you think I’m a fool, boy?”

Kylo takes hold of his lightsaber, motioning to him. “Take it.” 

His mentor doesn’t move. Kylo drops it to the floor. “I acted foolishly. I didn’t control myself.” 

Snoke contemplates Kylo’s answer, then gestures his hand, moving the lightsaber to him. “You hold too much power to take such thoughtless risks.”

“I know.” 

“She’s a distraction. You know this.”

Kylo doesn’t speak, eyes intent on the floor.

“You. Know. This.” Snoke presses, his voice losing patience.

“Yes,” Kylo finally says, accepting the truth, answering yes to both Snoke and himself. Layla is a distraction. His distraction.

“We can’t have that. You learned this in your first lesson. You need a reminder.” Silence. “Get rid of her.” 

Still silence. Then a sigh. “I can’t do that.”

“Excuse me?” 

“I can’t do that, Supreme Leader.”

“And why _not_?”

“She’s my wife.”

“Have you forgotten everything I’ve told you? She is a _possession_. She is a pet. Unworthy of your attention—” 

“She’s a person. Not a possession.”

Snoke stands, his voice raising to a yell. “The light has blinded you. Since you won’t take care of her, I will—”

Kylo’s eyes glance to his lightsaber sitting on the armrest of Snoke’s throne. He looks back to his mentor—strutting closer to him, palm raised and he realizes that this is his moment. His moment to protect his wife. Layla. He only has one chance. Kylo inches his finger forward.

As quick as the moment was, it happens slowly in his mind. The lightsaber turning towards Snoke’s back. Flying closer in the silence of the air. The uncomfortable crackle of red heat erupting. The sudden wide eyes that reach Snoke when he becomes aware of the weapon pierced in his chest. The loud, echoing thud of Snoke falling to his knees.

Kylo stands, towering over his leader, eyes emotionless as Snoke stares at him in shock. Deception. Betrayal. 

“The light hasn’t blinded me.” The calm in his voice eerie, even surprising him. He motions his hand and the saber shoots through Snoke’s body. Without another thought, Kylo sends the weapon across his former leader’s neck.


End file.
